A Drag King’s Reboot
Resetting: Finding My Way Back to Authenticity and Positivity
Hey friends, this blog post is going to be a little more than a little sloppy. I wanted to write about where I am and why I need to reset. I was trying so hard to maintain a schedule with my blog and online presence, but have fallen short recently with the pageant and personal life taking priority. This being said, I do believe that consistency is very important if I want to really build a brand and gain recognition within the drag community, so I will try to get back on a schedule.
Restarting When Life Feels Out of Control
Lately, I've been feeling like I'm losing control. I recently lost my temper with a friend over the phone, and now I’m left feeling raw and lonely. I’ve noticed myself slipping into a cycle of self-pity, feeling like a victim of my circumstances. Instead of finding gratitude in my independence, I've felt a pang of jealousy toward those who have partners or spouses to support them in their drag journey.
I’ve been feeling panicked and irritable, like I’m spiraling down a path that doesn’t serve me. It’s hard to admit these feelings out loud, but acknowledging them is the first step toward resetting and finding my way back to myself.
Recognizing the Need for a Reset
It’s easy to fall into these emotional traps when we feel overwhelmed. Life can throw so much at us at once, and sometimes it feels like there’s no way out. But I’ve realized that these moments are exactly when I need to hit pause, take a breath, and reset my mindset. I don’t have to stay stuck in this space of negativity.
As an EMT, I have algorithms to follow in order to ensure that I have considered all life saving measures. If I forget where I am in the algorithm, I start over – no massive hemorrhage, patent airway, adequate respiration, pulse present, look for head injuries and treat for shock… Where am I right now? I’ve been very overwhelmed preparing for this pageant while processing my career termination and quitting smoking. In getting myself ready for the pageant, I am preparing myself to be vulnerable and raw with experiences that have led to my decision to leave my career. They are some very painful experiences, and I believe that I was subconsciously distracting myself with petty drama and negativity that I aspire to be capable of dismissing. I want to be the person that can take the high road and let little things go. I want to be the person that supports and uplifts members of my community, not the person that gets stuck holding a grudge. It’s time for me to reset. I have to start back at the beginning of my algorithm. TBH, I have never thought of it like that before tonight, and I don’t really know what my algorithm is, but I know that I have veered off of the course that I had envisioned for drag, and I haven’t been in it for the reasons that initiated my dive into this beautiful artform.
I have been too concerned about success and haven’t taken a step back to realize the incredible opportunity that I have to meet a bunch of extremely talented kings. I am so excited for this experience, and somehow I have let myself stress to the point of turning my excitement into worry. My drag mother told me yesterday about her experience having gone to nationals, and how one of the best things that she had gotten from it is friendships with queens from all over the country. I have that same opportunity and only I am standing in my way. She told me to bring a package that I will be proud to bring to a national stage, and one that I believe will represent me on a national level. She didn’t say anything about bringing a winning package.
I am pretty lucky to have a friend that takes time to listen when I need them and helps me recognize when I am spinning out.
Steps I’m Taking to Feel Better
Practice Self-Compassion: I’m reminding myself that it’s okay to feel this way. These emotions are valid, and beating myself up over them isn’t going to help. Instead, I’m choosing to be kind to myself, understanding that I’m doing the best I can with what I have.
Reconnect with Gratitude: I’m making an effort to shift my focus from jealousy to gratitude. Yes, it can be challenging to see others with the support I crave, but I also have my independence, my creative freedom, and the strength I’ve built from standing on my own. I’m reminding myself daily of the things I am thankful for, no matter how small.
Reach Out for Connection: Feeling lonely is a tough emotion to navigate, but I’ve learned that isolation only deepens it. I’m pushing myself to reach out to friends, even when it feels hard. Sometimes, just hearing a familiar voice or getting a message of support can make a huge difference.
Set Clear Boundaries with Myself: I’m recognizing that I’ve been indulging in behaviors that don’t serve me—like gossip, drama, and self-pity. I’m setting boundaries with myself to step away from these habits and instead focus on things that uplift and nourish my spirit.
Take Small Steps to Ground Myself: I’m incorporating grounding techniques into my daily routine. Whether it's through mindful breathing, going for a walk, or simply sitting with my feelings without judgment, I’m finding ways to anchor myself in the present moment.
Embrace the Power of Saying No: Part of resetting means saying no to people and things that drain me. This could be social events, certain conversations, or even scrolling through social media. I’m choosing to say no when I need to protect my peace and energy.
Prioritize My Mental Health: Managing my mental health is an ongoing process. I’m making time for the things that help me feel balanced - journaling, meditating, or just taking a break when I need it. I see a therapist, and make a point to take my medicine as prescribed.
Ask for Help: I have started asking for help, with the pageant prep, my drag, and life – I am letting my friends know when I am not okay, and need support.
Physical Health Maintenance: I try to get enough sleep and do something active every day. I try to eat healthy meals most of the time and drink more water. I am careful not to become obsessive in this area.
It Affects All Areas of my Life
Being overwhelmed and indulging in toxic behaviors affects all areas of my life, and all areas of my drag. Rejection, online presence, bookings, attending shows, mutual support, and many other aspects of drag are affected.
Rejection: Dealing with rejection when requesting help with fundraising or pageant preparation led me into a pity party that lasted way too long. Although I didn’t want to ask for help after a while, I have to remind myself not to take it personally. I can go through all of the scenarios that could make it personal, or I could accept that I was asking for help that wasn’t available and move on. I am learning from each experience.
Online: I think of my online presence like a story I’m telling. What’s the narrative? Who is the character? What’s the theme? Once I have these down, my content begins to flow more naturally because everything I create points back to my core identity. And when I start to notice that I am losing that, I reset. My online presence has shifted away from the uplifting, inclusive space I envisioned it to be. It's become more self-serving, less authentic, and it feels like I’m betraying the person I truly want to be. The weight of this realization has been heavy, and it’s been harder to keep my depression in check.
Attending Shows: I absolutely love to go to drag shows and support my friends. I have been a fan of drag since being called a gorgeous b*tch by a queen in the bathroom of my first show in 2002. I have never felt out of place being at a show, until recently. I was involved in some petty drama, and my ego didn’t allow me to let it go. Because I live in a small city with a small drag community, I can’t hide from my actions. It was uncomfortable being told that I was being talked about behind my back so I was suddenly less comfortable going to shows. Behavior and attitude change is necessary for me to move forward with this and try to make right my part of it. Ridding this from my conscious will make it a lot easier to go to shows without worrying about who I might run into.
Mutual Support: When I am carefree and happy, I am eager to help my friends in the drag community, and enjoy the time that I get to spend with them so I don’t put much thought into asking for help. With this toxicity that I have been indulging in, helping feels like a chore and I don’t see mutual support as an option for me within this community, even though logically I know that it is.
A Clear Vision
When I started posting online, I didn’t have a perfect plan, but I knew who Max E. Pad was—a comedy(ish) king with a penchant for political parodies, campy humor, and passionate support of his fellow drag artists. I embraced that identity fully and crafted content that aligned with that vision. Every post, story, and caption was a reflection of my brand. Sure, I experimented and grew, but I always kept the core of my brand intact.
I was very intentional in avoiding negative click bait when I started and envisioned a very positive and uplifting platform. This can be difficult, because drama and negativity get way more interaction online, and recently I started to indulge. I am noticing a strong decline in my mental health as my surroundings become more negative and my thoughts are filled with drama and gossip.
I have to remember to use the tools that I have learned to set and maintain boundaries, to let go of the little things, and to push the negativity out. I have to remember to look at the bright side of things, find some silver lining, and if I can’t for myself, then find something great about someone else and compliment them. My online presence was a space for positive vibes and uplifting messages. It was my space to teach myself about drag and share my experiences while giving a shoutout to the performers that I get to watch at shows. Restart… I will restart my positivity online, and remind myself to let it go when someone criticizes me inappropriately.
But today, I’m choosing to hit the reset button.
Recognizing the Signs
We all get off track sometimes. For me, the signs were subtle at first—a snarky comment here, an eye roll there. But it wasn’t long before these small slips turned into a full-blown habit of indulging in things that didn’t feel good to my soul. I’ve always believed in using my platform for positivity and inclusivity, yet recently, I’ve found myself drifting toward a version of myself that I don’t recognize or particularly like.
And that’s okay. The first step to change is recognizing when you’ve veered off course.
The Power of Resetting
The beauty of life is that we always have the opportunity to start over, to reset, and to refocus on what truly matters. Today, I’m making a conscious effort to realign with my values. I’m choosing to step away from the negativity, drama, and self-serving behaviors that have clouded my mind and my message.
Resetting doesn’t mean pretending that these moments never happened. It means acknowledging them, understanding why they happened, and then making a deliberate choice to do better. It’s about taking accountability for my actions and making amends with myself first and foremost.
Setting Boundaries for My Well-being
Part of this reset involves setting some much-needed boundaries—not just with others, but also with myself. I’ve realized that in my quest to be everywhere and do everything, I’ve been neglecting my own needs. I’ve been letting external pressures dictate my actions and my online presence, which has left me feeling exhausted and inauthentic.
From now on, I’m focusing on what’s best for me. This means saying no when I need to, stepping back when things feel overwhelming, and being more mindful of the content I consume and create. Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out; they’re about creating a safe space where I can thrive and be my true self.
Recommitting to Positivity
Today marks a fresh start. I am making a commitment to be more positive—not in a fake, everything-is-always-great kind of way, but in a real, intentional way. I’m choosing to find the light, even on the darker days, and to use my platform to uplift rather than tear down.
I’m letting go of the drama and gossip that don’t serve me or my community. I’m focusing on the things that bring me joy, fulfillment, and connection. I’m re-engaging with the drag community in a way that aligns with my true values and purpose, and I’m rediscovering the reasons I started this journey in the first place.
Managing My Mental Health
This reset is also about being honest with myself about where I am mentally. Managing my depression is a daily effort, and I’ve come to realize that part of that management means being kinder to myself. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to have it all together all the time. What I need is to be genuine, to be real, and to allow myself the grace to reset when I need to.
If you’re feeling like I am—lost, stressed, or overwhelmed—it’s okay to take a step back and reevaluate. It’s okay to reset, even if you have to do it again and again. Life isn’t a straight line; it’s full of curves, detours, and rest stops. What matters is that we keep moving in the direction that feels right for us.
Moving Forward with Intention
Today, I’m choosing to move forward with intention, clarity, and a renewed sense of purpose. I’m embracing the reset, and I’m giving myself permission to start fresh. I’m focusing on what brings me peace, joy, and fulfillment, and I’m letting go of everything that doesn’t serve me or align with my values.
To anyone reading this who might feel the same—know that you’re not alone. We all stumble. We all have moments when we lose sight of who we are or who we want to be. But we always have the power to reset, to realign, and to choose a different path.
Here’s to new beginnings, to setting boundaries, and to finding our way back to authenticity and positivity. Here’s to the journey, wherever it may lead.
Resetting isn’t about erasing the past or pretending I don’t have tough days. It’s about recognizing when I’m off course and making a conscious decision to steer myself back in the right direction. I know it won’t always be easy, but I’m committed to making the effort every day.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, lost, or just not like yourself, know that it’s okay to hit reset. Give yourself the grace to start over, the courage to set boundaries, and the strength to focus on what truly matters. We’re all works in progress, and every day is an opportunity to choose a different path.
Here’s to resetting, reclaiming our power, and finding our way back to the light—even when the road is bumpy.
